THE HARDEST MOMENT IN MY LIFE

Hi Everyone, 

Its been so long time when I not writing anything in my page. How are you, guys ? Well I hope everyone is okay, because I wasn't. Hehehe..

After a couple month I not writing......... Yeah.......... I think I need some word to be spoken from my mouth and my mind because this couple of month was my hardest time. Maybe untill today and tomorrow. But I hope, I will be back soon.

My mom Passed Away Last September, 2nd, 2019. 

I can't said how it feel nor explain how I felt so bleed nowdays. She was diagnosed with Cancer since last July 2019 and everything turning so quick. 2 Month's until she finally passed away. This 2 month's was my hardest moment because I need to arrange and manage everything so well alone by my self for my mom during I working, broken heart, taking care mom, arrange my business, etc. It was the hectic moment I ever met in my life. 

I feel so sad, rush, stressfull, un-spoken, anything. Its like mixed feeling I ever seen.

 

The more worst was when my mom can't walking nor even wake up nor move her part of her body. Its made me feel so bad and I don't know how to taking care my mom as well because somehow, I need more balancing and powerfull energy to move my mom to another side when I try to change her diaper's. Another worst time was when I need went to company trip in another city and let my mom home alone with my maid. Or even stay in my brother house. I can't do anything about this, but it's a must. Because my job also important. When I not work that smart and avoid some task in my job/company stuff, maybe it will be impact to my perfomance in office. In that situation, I still need money to pay my mom needed and treatment.

One day, I went to another city for company trip. My brother pick up her and she move to my brother house. It was the longest time I ever go for company trip. Its like 6 day. You know,2 hour I left home I already miss my mom so bad and I even couldn't stop being sad and cried in train. I called my 2 friend and told them how much I miss her - when I already called her, but she already can't said any word in phone or even pick my phone at that time!! For sure, this is the most painfull moment's along amy life I ever felt. I cried, cried, cried anytime when I was in train at that time. I cried in Hotel when I was alone, I cried in station when I will back home. I miss her too much ! When I back home, I saw her more skinner and thinner than ever I known. We just separated like 6 day. Everything was change. I feel soooooooooo sad at that time.

The next 1 week,

I can't really describe how I felt for that time. I was felt so terrible. Sad, love her much in same time. Its mix feeling. I feel like love her so much at that time. I mean, I know I love her, but at that time, its feel like so sad. Somehow, I clean my house in that week, organize her stuff in her cupboard, clean her old room (she was sleep in front room), and change her bed cover (I change it even its new- just 2 weeks & Its not my real habbit in daily anw). I never know that all the things that I did that 1 week is for preparing for what will happened in next week when she passed away.................

1 Day before she passed away, suddenly I feel so guilty and want to speak something what I need to speak to her. I start everything with said that I feel so sorry and apologize if I ever hurt her, make her sad, or even make her regret with all the things that I've done when I taking care of her during I was working. I know I was perfect daughter. I know I ever say NO for the things she asked, I know maybe I was rude when I feel tired.

 That's why I said my apologize and sorry to her from my deepest haeart. I even cant handdle my tears down to earth like so damn. I also said that I already forgive her , if maybe as daughter I ever feel angry / feel bad to her when I tired or in hard situation. I talk to her too, if she don't need to wait me marry. I don't want she wait in with pain in her Cancer. I told her if literally I want her seeing me marry, I will happy if she see me marry, but in same time I don't want she wait in pain. So I told her to let go of me. Don't wait me and please be health.. I told her for not to be worrying about the cost for marry, because I had. I said.

At that night, it was my painfull night before anything................

She finally passed away tomorrow evening. I was so sad . Even I was be with her in her last time. But its so make me hurted. Its like I don't know what I will do anymore in future. I feel so bad because everything ending with kind of this. I mean, the lost of my mom. I never know that the lost of my mom will be the biggest painfull in my self and made a big hole inside of me. I feel like, she go so soonish and I still need time spending together with her, even I spend my time everytime with her everyday!

But, I never blame destiny or GOD Plan's. I know by the time my mom passed away that day was the best for her. She was already flying away with GOD in heaven with smile. All the things that I need to do for now and later is Being a Daughter She Ask Me For. Duplicating everything that she did for life, people, GOD, anything. Doing the best thing I can do for my self :")

I feel so lucky I surround with good and generous people. Friend, neighboor, officemate, family, etc. I can't say thanks one by one maybe. But I hope everyone that helps me much, accompany me, pray me and my mom since she sock untill she passed away are always healthy and happy. I hope everyone have much of blessing in their lives. Amen.

After All,

I learnt alot from this chapter:

I learnt; everyone and everything in this life is temporary; So I will let it go everything or everyone that makes me seems hard - rather than makes me more pathetic.

I learnt; GOD willing & plan are THE BEST!! GOD plan's are always detail and on time!!

I learnt;  the more we have problems in life, the more we need to get closer with GOD

I learnt; GOD already give us sign and prompting for somehow, but maybe we don't recognize it or even avoid it :")

I learnt; sometime we think we got 'the answer' for the things we asked, but actually, GOD is sending us message for gudience us to preparing the next blessing. So be carefull!

I feel so loved by mom, knowing that everyone she know was always told me I was her favourite. This is remind me about GOD love's that always saying: We're they're favourite! I

Anw, I know I think everything happened to make me stronger and preparing me for the next blessing. I don't know what will be coming in the future, but I think I feel ready for any possibilities :)

"Be Carefull and wise to use your time in this life. You only live once. Once is enough. Make sure that you're already make it right"